oh tayva!

So I was chatting with a good friend last night, and she was telling me of all the weddings and family events she has been attending next She said something that made me bust out laughing. " I'm gonna kill the next person who pities me." Oh my I am still laughing whats more I totally agree!!!  haha I just love her, she should know she completely made my day!! I miss her terribly!

I have been trying to think about all week on how I would post/write in my journal/ discuss this 2010 holiday. Well I didn't post on thanksgiving,  I didn't write in my journal and I have yet to discuss it with anyone really. So here goes nothing :D

Its a universal truth that gratitude is a quality most humans over look entirely a some point in their lives. It is also said the world believes Americans are greedy  a bit stuffy, and a lot stuck up. This all said we are the only country to have a day dedicated to thanksgiving.

The familiar themes around the table at our thanksgiving meals, family friends, safety and roofs over our heads. Which in all honesty are things we can never get enough of and should all be incredibly thankful for everyday we live.

As this holiday came and went I didn't even give it much of a thought. It must seem odd.  commercial adds all over, my grandparents at my house, working at a store advertising holidays. I felt like it was another week came and went.

I had to wonder if this unimportance stems from all of the things I am trying to digest. So if it is, then I have separated my self successfully from people in general, their emotions and their holidays.

But today I thought about things I am grateful for... they weren't the usuals.
I am thankful for music. I like a lot people sing my emotions out. Usually by myself on the way home from work.
I am thankful for books, ones that are simply someone else struggling to find peace, and forgive themselves and others. They teach me and guide me in the ways around the issues I have at hand.
I am thankful for love, for the joy it gives, the time spent cultivating it, the pain it can cause, the way it shapes society, the way it is ever present in our lives, the way we need to be loved, and the many things it inspires.

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." -- Robert Frost
http://kissssing.blogspot.com/

 I am grateful for this year of my life which has shown me, I have so much to explore experience and learn. I am grateful for my talents, my love for weird things, and my ability to live in a free country.

I hope that this holiday season, everyone has a chance to grow, to love and to laugh. To experience the miracles of a great thing called family to be surround by those who love you, and to smile until it hurts. My best wishes and warmth are with you this season. Lets have a great season, I love you all:)

Christmas 2008

Eat Pray Love

I finally finished my journey with Liz Gilbert. First, you'll have to hear the story to understand this. So on my way to Rome back in september I realized I didn't have a book, so I bought one in Salt Lake City, Eat Pray Love.  

  I began to read it on the Flight to New York, she was on her way to live in Rome for 4 months. It seemed very timely that we were on the same path that way. She also just dove out of a marriage, which I hadn't rather I dove out of my relationship. She dove right into another with a man named David, I dove back into my man not the relationship with new limits and restrictions. thinking I could fix us without him changing and staying the same. How wrong we both were. She being the wonderful writer she is and virtually the same person it seems when it comes to a relationship, began describing her love and the ways she fought with herself. So as I was traveling through Italy, my so called attempt to fix something so broken shattered, along with my heart just about everyday, seeing my failed attempts and the man who I once thought may have loved me throw it all in my face. In the book she had moved on to the ashram in India, and was finding God in herself.  I chose to do the same, to find God in everyplace everyday to try and ease the pain. Find the beauty in the glorious things I was seeing everyday. It worked. I lost myself again in the travels and the cultures of the people whom I saw everyday living their lives with on lookers. I found God in the most unlikely places. As Liz went to Bali I went to Salzburg, where any attempts of even friendship or nice conduct with my guy fell like an ornament to tile floor, I cried, I sobbed, I hurt. So I rode a bike along the river and old town and found God in salzburg lifting me up and away in  the beauty of this place. Liz fell in love in Bali and I found the strength to focus on the dream of someone else. Though she could escape from her past mine travelled along with me everyday. I tried to watch the movie in  England but Only got to the half way point. So thank you Liz Gilbert where ever it is you are. For your strength, your ability to put your feelings into words, and the hope you leave your readers with.

a list of my thoughts this week

I wont number them or bullet point these since they revolve around each other,
 I haven't posted about europe because it reminds me of things I couldn't fix, things that wont change, and feelings that wont go away.
My love for Europe and the things I learned there are more important in my life than ever. I find myself thinking about escaping everyday back to austria and the lake I dont know the name of.

 I feel like there is so much to learn there and I should have stayed months rather than days.
There are songs on my ipod that have so much resemblance to my life I am worried I am candid camera somewhere....

what do you want- jerrod neiman

sara barelies whole album

everybody- ingrid michealson

dont you wanna stay- jason aldean and kelly clarkson

and many others...

I finally gave in and watched a chick flick again and made it all the way through even though it hurts but if I dont start now, I wont start ever...

Its raining here, I haven't been home in a year or so when it has really rained. I adore it. I  mean truly adore it. I went outside tonight in my new Dr. Seuss rain boots. I put my face to the sky and oddly instead of singing the way you look tonight. I began to sing one of those songs I mentioned earlier. Oh so very odd for me.
 Those feelings I talked about earlier are matched with new ones I am not sure what to think of exactly:) They are good but whether they last .... guess you have to continue reading and find out.

I miss this place and the people who are there

I love my parents they are the best, and even though I haven't really told them how  I have been feeling other than info about my job not that I have told ANYONE how I am really feeling but... they are patient kind and loving<3

oh my.

Emails are the best!!! I love getting them once a week. they put a wicked big smile on my face and make me want to jump up and down and yell, I got an email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! enough about that!

next topic, borders... yeah makes me go crazy just saying it. I love the smell of new books. I get super excited and want to kick everyone out and sit and read all day!!!!! I bought 3 and only have two left already... I know I need to slow way down!!!! I am murder mystery romance girl:)

I also bought a new journal which is weird since I haven't really keep a journal my whole life until the last 1 1/2, since I met a boy and started making big decisions. But its really pretty and has lots of room to write in!!!

WEll, thats pretty much it:) oh my, I am a goofball!!!

Chick Flicks are a BIG NONO

Well, Chick flicks are a BIG NO NO! when your in the heart mending process, they make you angry annoyed and bring up every question doubt or hurt you have been having. So note to those of you out there still with the action for a little longer it will pay off!!

I am amazed at how much that hurt tonight. I think instead of allowing myself to dwell on the thoughts it brought up I will focus on why it is I couldn't watch the ending of them happy.... when I come up anything I will let you all know!

AAlright.....

its officially I am in love the following inspirations....
http://blog.tinyprints.com/general-information/decor-delights-fall-decorating-ideas/

tp://4weddingfashion.com/thanksgiving-wedding-decorations/


I love fall leaves, and the rich beauty of the colors that are incorporated with anything fall, the bronze the oranges, the soft hint og gold. oh its so warm and marvelous!!! 

My New Mantra

As I stated in my last recent post of things I learned in Europe, 

"I learned the reason European people walk everywhere, as my roman friend Lucio stated,” Our city is worth seeing, the buildings, the people, the life in the city is worth being in and surrounded by everyday.” With that said, I want to turn my life into something worth seeing walking through and being around."

So there it is the last line. My life will be enriching, happy, eclectic, funny and full of laughter. Anyone who wants to stay around can if you don't I don't mind thats your deal not mine. I am going to be someone who enjoys people's company, learning about them like I always have. Applying the " walking principle" as I call it Finding those who I can walk with, love with, and appreciate with. 

Things I learned in Europe :)

Here are some of the things I learned in Europe:) 

I learned that “being cultured “isn’t just understanding why people do what they do, its accepting what they do and allowing it to influence your life. 

I learned that most people are looking for something, and even though that something is different in every case, it pulls us together as common friends. 

I learned that the gospel is spoken in languages that we can all understand, our own, God speaks Hayley, Tara and Tayva.

 I learned that being open to who people really are and allowing them to express themselves, is something I should be more accepting of.

 People aren’t always who you think they are, should become, or who you need them to be. 

I learned my appreciation for simple things and details is something other people appreciate and wish me to share with them.

 I learned the reason European people walk everywhere, as my roman friend Lucio stated,” Our city is worth seeing, the buildings, the people, the life in the city is worth being in and surrounded by everyday.” 

With that said, I want to turn my life into something worth seeing walking through and being around.

 I learned that my need for control is completely useless. 

I learned the meaning of being a “basket case.” 

I learned people could always surprise you. 

I can learn anything about anyone, whether or not I care is a different story. 

Eclectic people are meant to be together always. it makes life a lot more fun

I am a person worth knowing, my insights are different then yours, so lets get together and share!

Sleepless Nights

For those of you waiting for more europe its coming I promise. I've been really busy! 

Well, I can't sleep. I had someone tell me today heartbreak is never easy. 

So here is to sleepless nights, crying and finding my way out of this place into a better one. 

To learning about myself and relationships.
To knowing better the next time around.
To accepting that there is going to be another time around with someone else.
To wanting to change.
To being single. 

To quoting Elizabeth Gilbert, "People think soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because hey tear down your walls and smack you awake. But live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. and thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go...... problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. " Eat Pray Love. (page 149) and believing every word she is saying.

To wishing I could disappear for awhile and everyone will stop asking. 

But the reality still stands, Sleeping even though I hate the dreams is necessary. I can't disappear, so I can have fun with my answers to "how is he?" "how are you?"(not the friendly momentary answer the deep answer version) my current new answers:

question # 1: Who's he? oh yeah him that guy with the face the hair and the eyes? oh him! he is great!

 question # 2: I am thinking about joining a convent! or moving to alaska so I can watch fish swim which ever I get to first I suppose.... I might even sit down in one place for a whole day and yell really loudly, at least  until I get bored. 

and I am keeping busy, so dont be offended if I don't respond to your call right away, or shoot a text right back. I am here just not that second! 

So I wish anyone out there who can't sleep either the best of luck!!!  This girl has to work tomorrow:D so sounds of the rain a sleep mask and thinking of being in Austria on a Bike!!!!

picture of evidence of lack of sleep!

Mautehausen

I don't know how to explain better than the email I sent home that day. 

Well everyone... hello!

The last few days have been intense on the personal, worldly, and spiritual levels. I have been in some places where horrors committed by men are so ungodly they are hard to comprehend. We left Salzburg, and I will be honest its my favorite place as far as feel good places go. We left around 8am and everyone was sad to leave. Knowing what lay ahead of us in the next few hours the ride was relatively quite. We arrived at Mautehausen. We drove through this quaint little town on the Danube river, up this little country road to the top of the hill that over looks the valley. This place of lush green hills wild flowers and endless farming land is the place of the concentration camp. When we got off the bus it was all but silent. We went into the museum, where they have pictures and watched a movie. They informed us in the movie of the different ways in which this camp was used. It was a labor supply camp mostly then, switched into an extermination camp. Upon the cliffs at the lower end they would quarry rocks and make them carry them up these impossibly steep stairs, if you fell the weight of the rock would kill you or they would shoot you and push you off the cliff next to these horrid steps. The video also informed us that the prisoners would line up along this ledge and the. S.S. would make them push each other off the edge to the bottom of this cliff , where if they didn't die from the impact they would roll into the pond and drown. I am only retelling these horrors to help you understand what its we are supposed to learn from such ungodly places. Once in the camp you are faced with long empty barracks, the Kitchen building, the officer buildings, the basement gas chambers, the cold storage room, the oven rooms. As I walked about this somber place with a sense of protection. I found myself looking through a window into a closed building. I looked into the room and. When I saw my reflection, I had been crying, and tears were rolling down my face. It was this window that taught me a lesson that I will never forget. I realized that this window stands for more than just a window, but a reality that we live by. Everyday people come through this camp Grasping for some kind of understanding of what really happened here, and they will never get it but understand what I do through this window, its a reality I will never have to live through but this view through this window is one we as a human beings can not ever allow to happen ever again. In one of the cells is carved, " if there is a god, he owes me an apology." I know that this world is messy, a little scary and often a bad place to be but our Savior will never leave us alone, or allow us to experience these things without a purpose that will only benefit us. I know he felt the pains and sufferings of all the people in this camp. That he knew these suffering people by name, and sent the strongest ones he knew to this camp. He lives, he loves us and will always present us with Windows and cliffs in our lives and we must always do as he would have us do with them. I love you all very much and hope I was able so share with you a tiny piece of knowledge and the spirit I have been feeling on this trip. I am so grateful for this opportunity and blessing of being on the trip.

Always,

Hayley